Something's Gotta Give

The ugly truth: I've had a few meltdowns since I've been back to work. (GASP!)

I painted quite the rosy picture after my first week, didn't I? Well, it was rosy. And, if I dig down deep enough, it's still pink, maybe not rosy, but pinkish.

Jen (sister in law Jen) and I were talking tonight and she said it right: Who ever said that a woman could have it all (i.e. career, family, perfect kid, happy husband, clean home, healthy meals, etc) really had no idea what they were talking about. You can't possibly have it all (coming from two women - Jen and I - who are trying to balance work & family in our daily lives.)

Something's gotta give.

So, you're probably wondering why I'm sitting here spending precious time blogging. The answer? It's therapeutic. It's become my journal. My "me" time. My time to process. I crave this time. And, it's for the girls. One day, I hope, they'll stumble across this and learn about themselves, their mama, their lives before they could remember. (Plus, Bella and Elin are both asleep and Charles is at an outreach meeting at church.)

For me, what gives is my house. It's not tidy, it's not picked up. There are dishes in the sink. But you know what I have done today? I worked 9 hours (and it was a great day), I came home, I ran for the first time in probably a year, I made a homemade dinner, I played with the kids, I gave both baths, I read bed time stories, I did a load of laundry, I made three lunches and I ran most of the dishes through the dishwasher. The fact that I can get to my "journaling" is icing on the cake.

The house being messy drives. me. crazy. Absolutely crazy. But, I'm learning to let go. When I inventory all the other things I'd rather be doing and the things that need to get done to have a successful tomorrow - the house can be messy.

An old friend wrote on her blog, "The trick to holding it together is letting go." It's true, I've had to retrain my mind to let go of all the things that I worry about. Let go of feeling less than superhuman. Let go of feeling like an inadequate mother, wife, or employee. Let go of the trivial. Let go of what I didn't get done. I'm embracing what I can do, what I am doing everyday, what I am providing as a mother, as a wife, and as an employee. I protect. I provide. I teach. I give. I love. I care. I am loved. My kids. My husband. That's what holds me together; my family.

So why do I feel the need to go on about this. It's hard. Life with a full time job, two kids, a household to run, bills to pay; it's hard. And not enough of us working women are willing to talk about it. When we finally do, we sigh with great relief to know someone else is feeling the exact same thing. I know I feel like I've always got to look like I've got it together. (And I even feel prideful when people tell me how "together" I look. If only they'd seen me just minutes before...) I want to emulate the successful working woman slash mother of two. But I think I try too hard to be that person that it just destroys me when I fail to meet those standards. So, I'm putting it out there, hopefully reaching out to my mommy friends and letting them know that they are not alone. I know it has helped me immensely to talk with other moms in the same boat.

So, as my mother in law, Zian says, "If you come to see me, stop by anytime. If you come to see my house, make an appointment."

Funny Girl

Bella loves to teach Elin things about life.
Bella to Elin: "Elin! You came out of mommy's tummy!"
Elin: ...
Me to Bella: "Bella, so did you! You came out of my tummy, too!"
Bella: "No I didn't!"
Me: "Then where did you come from?"
Bella: "I just walked."

Our New Routine

I went back to work last March 1st - at the last minute I decided I'd only return part time, to ease our transition. However, on my first day, it felt so good to be back at work that I ended up staying most of the day. And that's how it went the rest of the week. It felt so good to be back at work. Throughout each day I marveled at just how good it felt to be back at work, which was quickly followed up by an inkling of guilt for enjoying my workday interactions. By 1 p.m. I realized I hadn't even called to check on Elin... so I quickly dialed up the daycare only to find my suspicions were true: Elin was doing great. Relief.

Backtrack to the Monday night before March 1st. I wish the March 1st Aubrey could've told the February 28 Aubrey that all would be fine. As soon as I dropped my mom off at the airport, my mind went into overdrive. Pump, pack bottles, label bottles, get ice packs, lay out clothes for both girls, pack Bella's lunch, pack blankets for both girls, set clocks, iron & lay out my clothes, pack my lunch...the list seemed endless. I went home and robotically and sytematically checked things off the list. Double checked list. Reviewed list with Charles. Triple checked list. Quadruple checked alarm clock & volume. By 11 p.m. I was sure everything was set. I put a checklist on the door for each of us. Aubrey: pump, pump parts, bottles, ice pack, lunch, iphone, pager. Charles: ipad, iphone, Elin, Bella. Elin: Bottles, ice pack, blanket. Bella: lunch, ice pack, blanket, coat, hat, & gloves. I was so busy preparing all evening that I didn't have time to worry about Elin's first day. She had transitioned to the bottle well (better than Bella and that's definitely a big improvement), but not great, so I was worried about that.

Phew. Finally, done. I spent the rest of the evening staring at Elin, silently apologizing that I couldn't be with her, praying she would eat well, praying that her daycare teacher would love her, care for her, be patient with her. As a large, pear shaped tear landed on her cheek, she grinned in her sleep - as if to say, "Mom, it'll be alright." I might've cried some more anyway.

Morning came and of course, things didn't go as smooth as I had hoped. The plan was that I would get up early and leave by 0545 and go in by 0630. Charles wouldn't bring the Elin to school until 0700, Bella at 0730. By going in early, I could leave at 2:30 p.m and pick up Elin by 3, limiting her daycare time to 8 hours. I knew it would be a learning process. Luckily, I can go into work when I want/need. So, we slowed things down and I went along to drop Elin off for the first time. It wasn't as hard as it was with Bella, probably because she is younger starting daycare and this is our second time around the block. Elin happily went to Shannon. I reiterated that Elin needed patience with her bottles, she wasn't that great at the bottle. Please pay attention to her breathing! And, off we went.

My mind immediately shifted to thinking about work, the big projects ahead, our upcoming investigations, where I left things, and getting caught up. So, the day was great and again, it felt great to be back at work. End of day, mad dash to car, speed to Elin's school and smother her in hugs & kisses.

That night preparing for the next day went smoother and so did the following morning. Cut 5-10 minutes off our time. And, the rest of the week our morning routine times improved. So did evening prep. Just...exhausted...by...Friday. But pleased at how things were going. Slowly got into the groove at work, Elin was doing great at school. Though it had been a tough week, it was also a successful transition for the Hall family.

ELIN

1. She is super generous with her HUGE smile.
2. She is cooing and babbling already!
3. She smiles with her eyes. They seriously sparkle. Serious.
4. She giggles so preciously.
5. 2 month stats: 12 pounds, 10 oz (95th percentile) and 24 inches (95th percentile).
6. She is well out of newborn and 0-3 month clothes and fits perfectly into the 3-6 month category.
7. She is holding her head up and sitting in the bumbo well.
8. She LOVES the changing table.
9. She likes to self soothe by sucking on her hands.
10. She LOVES it when Bella baby talks with her.

BELLA

1. Did I tell you she's fully potty trained? I'm still hesitant to not use pull ups at night, but they're dry in the morning 98% of the time.
2. She knows all the sounds of her letters.
3. We're working on spelling three letter words.
4. She enjoys baking with me, particularly the frosting & sprinkles part.
5. She is comfortable playing in the kids' pool without us in it and without her water wings.
6. She will be starting soccer in a few weeks.
7. She likes her hair short "like mommy".
8. She LOVES buttoning and unbottoning since she's learned how.
9. She really likes to wear her dresses lately.
10. She LOVES, just LOVES Elin. She's always the first to say, "Mommy, Elin's awake, you hafta get her." OR "Mommy, I think Elin's hungry." She adores her, gives her tons of kisses, and hugs her all the time.

CHARLES

Charles' opening day for his new Redmond Emergency Center is this weekend. He's put his heart & soul into this project over the last year, so we're really excited to see all his planning and work come to fruition this weekend. We'll be attending the open house this weekend! Let's see if I can do a list for him:
1. He's an amazing father.
2. He's an incredible husband.
3. He requires very little sleep.
4. He can sleep at the drop of a dime, though, which has been very helpful to him during sleepless nights (either from work projects or Elin)!
5. He takes Bella swimming. It's their father/daughter time.
6. Though his plate is incredibly full, he makes it home for dinner most nights.
7. He can't stay awake for an entire movie to save his life!
8. He's slightly addicted to his iPhone.
9. I wake up for Elin, he wakes up for Bella.
10. He plays soccer on Monday nights!

Conversations with Elin

Firsts

There's nothing like your baby's first "firsts" - they bring great joy, excited mommy squeals, and of course, the camera to document this fine moment.

However, not unlike my baby's first, "firsts", there's someone else whose "firsts" bring me great joy, excited squeals, and the camera to document the moment.

It's my mom.

She's been in the United States for over 30 years now and has experienced a lot in the good ole U.S. of A. according to Filipino standards. But there are some pretty basic things she just never got around to doing. Ever since I've been out on my own, I've delighted in initiating these things for my mom - activities that she's just never simply had the opportunity to do.

My mom flew in last week to finally meet Elin and spend some time with her granddaughterS. She was an amazing help & awesome cook (as to be expected)! Charles and I both postponed our post-baby weight loss plans until after her departure, knowing that there would be no resisting her cooking.

When we lived on the East coast, we took her and/or my dad all over D.C. They had never been, so every trip involved a lot of "firsts": the monuments, the museums, the battlefields, sailing, etc. So, now that we live in Seattle, all of her/their visits have included many firsts as well: Pikes Place, the Space Needle, clamming, ferries, more sailing, new mountains, new scenery, and so on.

For this trip, my mom's firsts included:

Her first trip to an inflatable bouncy house!

With the miserable weather that seemed to follow my mom from the Midwest to the Northwest, we had to find indoor activities to get out of the house. Bella's buddy had a birthday party at an inflatable bouncy house and the kids really had a blast. The best part was that adults got to play for free - it truly brought out the kids in us. So, we went to the local Pump-It-Up for the morning. Bella, mom, and I jumped and jumped and jumped some more.

A trip to the Seattle Aquarium
Her FIRST trip to an aquarium EVER.

Her first time really playing in the snow!


Tubing for the first time!

Where was Elin while we were playing in the snow? Well, the initial plan was for us to rotate sitting in the "lodge" with her while the other two adults & Bella went tubing. However, much to our dismay, the "lodge" near the tubing area turned out to be an itsy bitsy little coffee stand that was always WAY too crowded. Not to mention there were two entrances to the tiny coffee hut, so it was always freezing and no place to have a little babe. So, we parked nearby and Elin hung out in the car. She slept for the majority of the entire trip, so don't feel too bad!

Our first picture of the four of us!

Just as we were headed out to drive my mom to the airport, we realized we hadn't taken a picture of the four us at all. So, with a little help from the timer, a stool, and a few well placed books, we were able to snap a few photos of our three generations.

It was a wonderful time and we look forward to the next!