Accelerate Your Life

I've been thinking a lot about my time in the Navy recently. I'm sure it's because of Memorial Day, the recent events in the news, and because my Navy commitment is fast approaching it's end. (And they've been contacting me about renewing my commissioning.)

July 7, 2011 will be my last day in the United States Navy. I type that with both a sigh of relief and a sigh of mourning.

No, I wasn't on the front lines.
No, I never was deployed.
No, I didn't travel overseas for any duty stations.

I did serve my time during Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom.
I did serve my time at the National Naval Medical Center on the surgical unit where we received soldiers, airmen, sailors, and marines just 3 - 5 days after their lives were changed forever by a GSW (gun shot wound), a RPG (rocket propelled grenade), or an IED (improvised explosive device).

I can still smell the wounds.

So, even though I was separated from the sandbox by a vast ocean, the reality of war was delivered by helicopter into my safe, stateside hospital night after night for three years.

We would get in report how many men/women we were expecting during the night. We would go down to the quarterdeck to receive them from the ambulances and vans. Some injuries were "minor", some were severe and those were rushed to the OR. They all arrived with the standard issue green, scratchy, stiff blanket.

I can still hear the night terrors.

"It's okay. You're safe. You're in the United States. I am your nurse. You are in the hospital. You're safe."

I don't know how many times I said that.

"You're in the United States." Words that these young men and women couldn't wait to hear. They didn't imagine it would be under these circumstances.

Night shift was my favorite. I wasn't too busy cleaning and dressing wounds, preparing the wounded warriors for surgery, or running around delivering pain meds like the ice cream truck. I had time to sit and visit, talk, get to know them. I could listen to their stories, their worries and fears. Watch them tiptoe on the edge of despair and thank God who gave me the right words at the right time. We played trash can basketball. We McGyver'd devices to help them hit the call light or change the channel.

I can still remember one marine as vividly as if it was yesterday.

Before he deployed he got to witness the miracle of life - the birth of his first child. He said he had to be there in case he didn't come back.

Well, he did.

I can still remember seeing him for the first time. When I heard the story of his DOI (day of injury), I thought, "How on earth did he survive that?"

The least of his injuries, but certainly the most emotionally difficult one was that his eyes were damaged by the shrapnel that flew through the dusty air.

I remember that we all took pictures with him, the nurses, one by one. He wanted to look at them later when he recovered his vision and see the "hot" nurses who took care of him.

I can still remember his devastation and rage when he found out that he would not regain his vision. He was angry. Scary angry. He had been our most pleasant patient, funny, welcoming - one of our favorites. After he got this news, his door was shut for some time and he wasn't the same.

He agonized over not being able to see his daughter grow up or see her on her wedding day.

I thank God he had seen his daughter and held her the day she came into the world.

I often wonder how he is seeing the world these days.

The Navy shaped me. (And gave me a husband!)
I'm so humbled by having served and will always identify myself as a service member.

Sometimes I wish I was still in the Navy. I miss that greater purpose, the camaraderie, the understanding. But, I somewhat embarrassingly, admit that I couldn't bear to put my family through the life that comes with being a military member. It can be excruciatingly hard and I couldn't do it. I admire and respect those who do and their families for they sacrifice so much.

So, though I suffered no injuries, my time in the Navy has given me new perspective and will have a lasting significance in my life.

My time is ending, but I will continue to serve.

Taming the Beast

So, d'you remember when you played sports and one of your teammates had that parent who was really mean? The one who yelled at their kid, who maybe scolded them after the game for not playing that well? This parent was probably the loudest one in the stands and he came to every game, even the away games.

Yeah...so...there might have been a glimpse...just an itsy bitsy, teeny, tiny bit of that at Bella's first game.

She was always just so good at handling the ball and running it up and down the field. So, maybe I thought she'd be a natural. And, maybe I've always been pretty competitive. I just didn't get why she was clamming up and being shy and only worrying about snacks!

K, so game one. She was super excited about going to soccer. SUPER DUPER excited. Well, turns out, she was only excited about the half-time orange wedges and the post game snacks. She wouldn't run unless the coach held her hand. And she kept doing this shy-tucked-in-chin/toe dig into-the-ground-thing -- which I've never seen her do before! So, I might have given her "the eye" a couple of times and yelled for her to run after the ball. (I wasn't the only one, though!) I may have even whispered to her that if she didn't want to play that we'd just go home. I know, ugly.

So, I felt terrible after game one. She's only three, right? Sheesh, Aubs, calm down!

So game two. Bella pretty much did the same thing, but I was better. I might have only made a peep once...or twice. There were a few other parents doing it, too! I know, no excuse. I think we were all first-time sports parents, ya know? A little over-zealous. One of the other moms of the older kids came over to the group of us and told us how when her kid first started she had no interest and she, as a parent, had a hard time with it, too. That's when I felt about 2 inches tall.

Third game. I promised myself I wouldn't be anything but positive. I would hardly watch, I wouldn't comment, I'd cheer for the whole team. Bella ran without having her hand held, ran after the ball and lo' and behold, scored a goal. I cried. Yes, I sure did. Just, suddenly, I saw a tear slip from the edge of my jaw and realized my eyes had welled with tears and went running down my face. My heart exploded as she received high-fives from her teammates. I gave her the biggest hug ever, I was so proud and so hating myself for ever having given her a hard time. We went out for ice cream after the game - she was thrilled!

She still can't stop talking about her goal!

Bella was Beauty and I, the beast. She broke the curse and transformed me back into her mom.

Charles' Birthday Weekend

...was April 8th.

I'm sure he's going to love that I'm announcing his age. Oh. Wait, he's a guy. He doesn't care! (So unfair, right? Guys age, it's all good. Guys get gray hair and they're distinguished. Why doesn't it work the same way for us? Of course I say this as I approach a relatively rather large birthday myself...)



Bella and I woke Charles up with traditional birthday cheesecake. OK, I lie. It wasn't the traditional home-made recipe. I used to make Charles his mom's cheesecake recipe every year for his birthday. It makes a ton-o-cheesecake. No joke! And we used to eat it all...just the two of us! Over the years, I've noticed he's been eating less and less of it...and more of it goes to waste. Something about it not "agreeing" with him... so I cheated and got a mini cheesecake and still it went unfinished!




I surprised Charles with Sounders tickets and surprised him with the Trujillo's joining us. Well, I thought I did up--until game day. I had been planning on the Sounders game for some time since we'd never been. I'd lassoed the Trujillo's into joining us several weeks before B-day. So, one Friday night the week before Josh came over. Charles' dad, Charles and Josh were going to work on the Jeep. While Charles and his dad went into the garage, Josh and I stole away to purchase the tickets. Seats found, tickets bought, print. PRINT. PRINT DAMN IT! No print. Couldn't figure it out so I emailed them to Josh to print at his house.

So, I later found out that I didn't quite cover my tracks. Charles went to print out his dad's airline tickets that weekend. When he reconnected the printer it went ahead and betrayed me by printing out the tickets and all that had been in the cue! FOILED BY THE CUE! Aaaaaand, of course they had Josh's name on it (since I so cleverly had him purchase them with his card so it wouldn't show up on our statement) so, Charles also knew they were coming with.

Despite my miserable attempt at a good surprise, we had a great day and enjoyed the game immensely! Sounders won!



No birthday is complete without a trip to the limited time only Star Wars exhibit. If you know me, you know this was nothing but complete and utter LOVE and DEVOTION. The tidbits of information about the movie were interesting, but not enough that I would watch any of the movies. Yes that's right folks, pick up your jaws, I have never watched Star Wars.

May the force be with you, or, however it goes.

Easter Fun

Doing a little catch-up-picture-posting...


Bella and Elin with their Easter Loot...


Taking turns taking pictures with the kids...


Easter dresses!


Using the timer & the tripod for the first time! Not too terribly bad!

Delivering

So, many moons ago when I first got this job I said that I would tell y'all more about it. Well here it is. I'm making good on that.

Disclaimer: It is a blessing to be among the employed, I know.

When I left the Navy, I left with something I absolutely lacked upon entering the Navy: leadership. The Navy put me in leadership positions almost immediately and I grew to love it. In these roles, I learned something new about myself, grew in ways I didn’t know I could, and did things I never thought possible. I liked being part of the change rather than just affected by change. I liked making the decisions rather than having decisions thrust unto me. I liked being a resource, a “go-to” person, someone who could get things done. I started off as a night charge nurse, then the day charge nurse, then the infection control officer. When I moved to the PACU, I started as a night charge, then a day charge, then the department educator. I secretly loved it.

When I left the Navy, I couldn't take the leadership roles with me, but I most certainly left with a new skill and fondness for "authority". I don’t always admit it (and in fact, I usually deny it up and down) and sometimes I claim to dislike the responsibility, but it’s true. I started working at NIH and I missed the uniform that gave me recognition, which said without having to demonstrate it: I’m a leader, experienced, knowledgeable; I’ve earned this title. Instead, I was in scrubs looking like I was fresh out of nursing school – in a sea of other aqua green scrubs. After some time, I became the charge nurse and resumed some of the old “leadership” responsibilities. It only partially satisfied the career woman in me.

When we moved to Seattle, I took some time off – partially voluntarily/partially not – to get us settled, moved in and what not. As much as I had wanted to try to be a stay at home mom, I soon realized that I missed having a job, work responsibilities, leadership. After 4 months of staying at home, I was more than ready to join the workforce again. I started at ground level again as a staff nurse, but as usual, I gravitated towards a position of leadership, the charge. Eventually, I began to receive more and more encouragement (from peers, my boss, and mostly from Charles) to seek out the next step: management and/or department educator. In the civilian nursing world, these are earned by credibility and length of service. In other words, you had to do your time (as opposed to the Navy where they give it to you and let you either sink or swim). Little did I know, my resume and short lived time at SCH had already spoken volumes and I was sighted for my dream job: PACU manager AND educator. Leadership and teaching – my perfect combination. I donned my favorite suit and went through a rigorous interview process – panels, medical chiefs, surgeons, anesthesiologists, other managers, those who would be my direct reports (probably the hardest interview of them all).

So here I am, in my short career, a department manager and educator. Somewhat unheard of. My responsibilities include, but are not limited to, the operations of the department, the staff, their evaluations, hiring/firing, education and training, competencies, regulatory and best practices, among many other things.

The job comes with many ups and downs, challenges that may be unique to me being as young as I am, and difficulties because my foundation is from the military where things and people have "good order and discipline." And, it’s a lonely place to be when you’re young in your career. My colleagues have children older than me and have been in nursing longer than I’ve been alive. Those that are my age are now “my employees” (I hate saying that)…and so blurring the lines of boss and friend is something I do not want to bring upon myself.

The upsides are that I’m where I want to be (most days), in a leadership role, being a part of the change rather than change being enforced upon me. I get to be on the committees that are deciding policies and procedures for the entire hospital, I’m in the know when things are coming our way, I’m learning how things get done on a larger scale within the organization. However, I’m also on the hot seat when things don’t go as planned. And trust me, it burns.

The hardest things I’m contending with are both with myself and with others. I keep having to remind myself that out of my department of 50+ nurses, I can’t possibly please everyone. I may roll something out that certain people don’t like and they let me (and others) know – some more kindly than others. I have to stick to my ground. I have to deal with possibly not being liked – which is hard when I like being liked.

Someone is always going to have something to say.

What defines me as a leader is my response.

May Lists

Elin
1. Rolled over for the first time Friday May 6
2. I have to trim her nails every other day.
3. She is a true PNW girl who wears long sleeves under tank dresses with leggings because it's still too cold!
4. Four month appointment is tomorrow even though she's five months (mommy fail!).
5. Looks great in blue
6. Loves to blow rasberries.
7. Has been blamed for splashing water all over the bathroom mirror and floor.
8. Takes baths with her sister and LOVES it.
9. She smells of calendula cream.
10. Thinks her sister is the most hilarious of us all.

Bella
1. Scored a G.O.A.L at her third soccer game ever May 14th
2. Is learning simple math
3. Knows her left and right
4. Loves the movie CARS
5. Enjoys her Curious George chapter book
6. Likes to eat out as much as I do (what does that say about my cooking?)
7. Has a busy social life: birthdays, sleepovers, soccer every weekend
8. Still really likes bubbles and enjoys blowing them at her sister to get her to laugh
9. Wants to start ballet
10. Will be doing gymnastics this summer


Charles & Aubrey
1. Partied like freshman at their first college party this past Saturday (and it was glorious!)
2. Aubrey got carded
3. don't have time for proper punctuation
4. need more sleep
5. need a bigger bed
6. would like a real vacation
7. had a baby shower 5 months after the baby was born
8. love, love, love living here
9. feel really blessed
10. spend a lot of money at starbucks