Something's Gotta Give

The ugly truth: I've had a few meltdowns since I've been back to work. (GASP!)

I painted quite the rosy picture after my first week, didn't I? Well, it was rosy. And, if I dig down deep enough, it's still pink, maybe not rosy, but pinkish.

Jen (sister in law Jen) and I were talking tonight and she said it right: Who ever said that a woman could have it all (i.e. career, family, perfect kid, happy husband, clean home, healthy meals, etc) really had no idea what they were talking about. You can't possibly have it all (coming from two women - Jen and I - who are trying to balance work & family in our daily lives.)

Something's gotta give.

So, you're probably wondering why I'm sitting here spending precious time blogging. The answer? It's therapeutic. It's become my journal. My "me" time. My time to process. I crave this time. And, it's for the girls. One day, I hope, they'll stumble across this and learn about themselves, their mama, their lives before they could remember. (Plus, Bella and Elin are both asleep and Charles is at an outreach meeting at church.)

For me, what gives is my house. It's not tidy, it's not picked up. There are dishes in the sink. But you know what I have done today? I worked 9 hours (and it was a great day), I came home, I ran for the first time in probably a year, I made a homemade dinner, I played with the kids, I gave both baths, I read bed time stories, I did a load of laundry, I made three lunches and I ran most of the dishes through the dishwasher. The fact that I can get to my "journaling" is icing on the cake.

The house being messy drives. me. crazy. Absolutely crazy. But, I'm learning to let go. When I inventory all the other things I'd rather be doing and the things that need to get done to have a successful tomorrow - the house can be messy.

An old friend wrote on her blog, "The trick to holding it together is letting go." It's true, I've had to retrain my mind to let go of all the things that I worry about. Let go of feeling less than superhuman. Let go of feeling like an inadequate mother, wife, or employee. Let go of the trivial. Let go of what I didn't get done. I'm embracing what I can do, what I am doing everyday, what I am providing as a mother, as a wife, and as an employee. I protect. I provide. I teach. I give. I love. I care. I am loved. My kids. My husband. That's what holds me together; my family.

So why do I feel the need to go on about this. It's hard. Life with a full time job, two kids, a household to run, bills to pay; it's hard. And not enough of us working women are willing to talk about it. When we finally do, we sigh with great relief to know someone else is feeling the exact same thing. I know I feel like I've always got to look like I've got it together. (And I even feel prideful when people tell me how "together" I look. If only they'd seen me just minutes before...) I want to emulate the successful working woman slash mother of two. But I think I try too hard to be that person that it just destroys me when I fail to meet those standards. So, I'm putting it out there, hopefully reaching out to my mommy friends and letting them know that they are not alone. I know it has helped me immensely to talk with other moms in the same boat.

So, as my mother in law, Zian says, "If you come to see me, stop by anytime. If you come to see my house, make an appointment."